Quotes are a lens which brings life into focus some times. The movie Gladiator has a few of these quotes. “What we do in this life echoes throughout eternity.” I think these are good words to live by and though I’ve doubted the existence of eternity in the past, I’ve come to feel that believing in it is a blanket which keeps out the cold of the world sometimes. And like consequences, some things exist whether or not you believe in them. If eternity does exist, I want my choices to be something that I can be proud of.
So it all comes down to choices. I’m at a point in my life where I can look back on the portfolio of my life and examine how I’ve been doing, what I’ve done and the ping pong action of choices effecting the overall game. A few years ago, I used to drink with a girlfriend and our friends. But I lost control one night and never got drunk again. By not drinking, I lost the girlfriend, lost the friends, but I feel better and now I don’t feel like I have to blame my actions on some outside influence. I like that freedom and I like being able to take charge of my choices since I can now see how my life had changed because of them. And life is full of enough conditions that blind side you that having a little control over your section of the world make things a little easier when the storms come.
But again I’ve lost something. A remarkable girl. An opportunity for happiness. The choices I’ve made, my life in a nutshell, and the direction I’m headed in are all factors in this loss. Up until now I’ve been comfortable with my choices, for the most part. But now I’ve lost this thing I want and it’s because of everything I’ve done. She represents the traditional “good” and within that framework, I’m the stereotypical prodigal son. I feel that I’m ready to come home in order to have this girl, this woman in my life. But that would lead me into a whole new direction. Again I have a crisis of conscience. Am I doing things wrong? Will I suffer in the long run or am I on the track that is best for me. Am I supposed to be on a track that is best for me? Or am I supposed to live for others?
“To thine own self be true,” is a Shakespeare quote that I’ve heard my whole life. “You are responsible for your own immortal soul,” my mother often said. I’m a man on a boat in the ocean. And I’ve seen things and done things which have steered my course more or less in the direction I feel is right and good. But am I actually going anywhere? Or am I just surviving and maintaining this course because it’s selfishly easier?
Her choices have lead her to this same point. She’s lost something too I think though our time together. Have her choices made it impossible for us to be together? Can they be looked at individually like that? Can my choices?
Only together do our choices make our lives incompatible. Our directions are different, but we both long to jump on each others boats. Should I give up my heading and sail along with her? Should she? Or should we do as we have and sail on to different sunsets? There are wakes behind us that mix together in a smokey kiss. Waves of music, talking hands and kisses echo around this time and place, glinting in the light. The ocean conspires to keep us apart.
I’m leaning far out from my boat straining to see every last glimpse of her eyes across the sea, sailing away.