Easter Bunny Kills 9. Escapes.

By Jon Hillenbrand In Photography, Stories

After an exhaustive five-minute Google search on egg-related death statistics in America and coming up with almost no usable results, I stumbled across a very interesting fact about the Black Widow Spider.  As some of you may already know, the Black Widow Spider is named for her truly confusing behavior of killing off her male suitors after mating with them.  I’m guessing that Psycho Killer Slut Spider was either taken or didn’t translate well into Latin, the universal nomenclature of choice for scientists.  The statistic of interest to me is that less than 1% of Black Widow Spider bites result in a human death.  Her venom just isn’t that effective against people.  But based on her looks and reputation, I would avoid the Black Widow Spider at almost all costs.  In fact, when faced with a reality show situation of either being covered by Black Widow Spiders or eating 100 Easter Eggs, I’d instantly go for the eggs.  But that choice could lead to my death and probably exclusion from the million dollar prize.  Even though I couldn’t find any, I’m sure the statistics regarding egg-related deaths are much worse than for Widow bites.  There’s the shard-like shell, the possibility of ingesting a partially developed chick, E. Coli, salmonella, food color poisoning, the list goes on.  Why don’t we just go ahead and rename Easter Eggs as what they are…mother-lovin Death Spheres!

That brings me to wonder about that whole “judging a book by its cover” thing.  I mean, law-enforcement agencies regularly take part in what they classify as “profiling” which is basically a complicated way of book-cover judgement.  And though many groups rail against it, I’m sure the endless number of single, loner, above-average intelligent, overly mothered white male serial killers in SuperMax prisons around the country feel like they are looking into a mirror every time they look across the aisle at the other inmates in their block.  So this begs the question, why does the Easter Bunny have such a warm and fuzzy persona if it kills more people per year than the Black Widow Spider?  Is it because the Easter Bunny never kills its own kind?  If the Easter Bunny went around killing other bunnies, would we all still love and adore him/her?  That’s another thing; what gender is the Easter Bunny?  The Easter Bunny seems like a mail carrier to me which is a gender-neutral job.  But it does seem to dress in lots of flamboyant colors, especially pink.  So one would assume that the Easter Bunny is either a girly female, gay male, or, at the very least, a sexually conflicted individual.  And judging from the very intricate detail that goes into most Easter Eggs, I would gather that the Easter Bunny may have had a very overbearing mother while growing up.  It does take a lot of intelligence to deliver eggs to the correct addresses.  One would be in a pickle if one delivered a basket of Easter Eggs to Osama bin Laden this weekend.  So the Easter Bunny is probably an intelligent white male, early to mid-thirties, with a confused sexual orientation and an overbearing and controlling mother.  He likes to hide eggs in parks for children to find.  He uses those eggs to kill an unknown number of people per year and then he disappears off the face of the earth, only to return at around the same time the next year.  Sounds pretty cut and dry to me. 

The Easter Bunny is one of the most prolific alledged serial killers at large today.

What do you think?